Why The F.B.I. Needs Me

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

[Theodore Roosevelt]

When I was talking about jobs and callings in an earlier post, I completely forgot about one of the main aspects in career choice: Personal Qualification.

In marketing you talk about the U.S.P. of a commodity and let’s face it: We are all commodities.

So why does the F.B.I. need me as a commodity? I mean, I meet all the general F.B.I. requirements (okay maybe I would have to brush up on the physical requirements), but what is my U.S.P.?

Well, how do they need me: Let me count the ways… .

1. Secret Identity: The one thing we all know about F.B.I. Agents is that they have secret Identities.

I figure they have some sort of intern-intel, who makes them up. Maybe that’s the same bureau, that also comes up with all those cool secret project names like “Windfall” or “Tropicana Puzzle” or something like that.

In any case, I don’t need another secret identity! I was born with it! Due to the fact, that I was born out-of-wedlock in Germany and my parents got married around my first birthday in the USA, I have two passports with two different last names. You see, complicated inter-governmental legal procedures do have their upsides. I come fully equiped for the job!

2. Blending: Ridley Scott described a good F.B.I. Agent as “not noticeable. You would never know you look at them.”

You know how some women look hotter than hell in a dark suit and dark shades? Yeah, not me!

Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with me, but I’m not the girl, who will distract her colleagues simply by crossing her legs. I’m outstanding at not drawing attention to me.

I am like one of those old-fashioned cigarette girls: sweet, charming and a perfect addition to the set-up of the room, but you’ll forget me the minute I leave your sight. Trust me, I am the perfect blender.

3. Foreign Languages: Being a half-american half-german mutt comes with the upside of being fairly literate in both those languages. I also graduated in France, so I got a bit of french to work with as well.

I know those aren’t the cool languages to speak, but I still have my hopes set on speaking in tongues one of these days and that should trump everything. Until then, I know enough japanese to show it off to someone, who has never spoken to a native in their life and that should count for something, right?

4. Working The Net: John Ashcroft thinks the makes of a good F.B.I. Agent is someone who can “surf the net and look for pages that instruct people how to make bombs.”

This is so me. I spend so much time on the internet already and a legal career comes with the general requirement of finding stuff on the net other people don’t want you to find. Also, I don’t know everybody as dedicated as me as finding great shoe deals online. So if I can find great deals in the high-priced high-heeled section, believe me I can find bomb instructions. What can possibly be so difficult about that? You just google it, right?

5. Travelling: My first time inside a plane on an oversea flight I was younger than 6 months. I have had plenty more experience with travelling after that. Not just in plains, but on trains, in cars, by bikes, on foot.

Also I tend to travel rather light for a women, at least on the way in. I’m a strong believer in the “1-suitcase-in, 2-suitcases-out-rule”, allocating enough room for souvenirs. I wonder how many cool souvenirs you could pick up as an F.B.I. Agent. I mean there is the badge for starters and then I am pretty sure the C.I.A. guys will be up for trading, too.

6. Cost: As I stated above, I already come with two legitimate passports from two different countries in two different last names, so the F.B.I. wouldn’t have to spring for new fake identification for me.

I am not completely sure how expensive these fake I.D’s are. However, as I am such a nifty researcher, I did a google search and the yahoo-answer, that rated the highest, estimated the costs somewhere between $200,–  – $ 4.000,– (depending on wheter you wanted them scannable and with fancy holograms and such).

I am pretty sure the F.B.I. get’s a good deal on this stuff, but seeing as the U.S.A. is already roughly $ 14 trillion dollars in debt, I would think that every penny NOT spent is a penny earned.

7. The Ropes: I know being a special agent would come with a lot of special agent stuff, like secret handshakes and secret codes and all of that.

Well, guess what?! I was a member of the bestest detective club ever when I was about 11 years old. I was an outstanding detective too. For the entire three weeks our club existed, I only lost the key to our secret code once. How much better at this stuff can you get?!

In conclusion: I was always told my country needed me, so guess what: I’m here and I’m for hire. Come and get me!

And if the F.B.I. doesn’t want me, well maybe the C.I.A. will know a blessing when they see it… .

How about you? Are you the next Mata Hari out there? Would you look fantastic in a dark trench in an even darker alley? Or does your U.S.P. hold a different career-path for you?

Please comment below and tell me all about it!

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5 thoughts on “Why The F.B.I. Needs Me

    • Hey there – thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment on my online open secret agent application 😉 Yeah, I think I made a pretty good case for myself – they’d be fools not go for it 😉
      How about yourself? What’s your U.S.P.? You think you want to join me in the investigative ranks or do you have something else in mind? I’d love to know, if you’d care to share 🙂
      In any case I’ll be sure to check out your blog on my way out – hope to see around 🙂

  1. Count on it – I’ll be girl you won’t notice 😉 Sure, I’d love to be secret agent tag team partners – you could cover the visuals, as my photography talents are slim to none 😉 In any case you’ll see me around your blog some more 🙂

  2. Pingback: Things to read, pictures to see, people to meet. « susserative aspirations

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