Longing For The Ides Of March – Or Why I’ll Only Be Lurking In The Shadows For A While

“Fatigue is here,

in my body,

in my legs and eyes.

That is what gets you

in the end.

Faith is only a word, embroidered.”


[ Margaret AtwoodThe Handmaid’s Tale ]


I’m beyond exhausted. I’m drained. Actually, being drained sounds too euphoric. I think being drained would up my energy level by 1/12th now (maybe more, maybe less: y’all know how I am with numbers).

I’m pretty sure most of all have read a comment of mine saying something along the lines of “I’ll deal with that come march.“.

Why march you ask?

Well, because starting the 23rd of february and ending the 2nd of march I will spend my morning (8 am – 1 pm) sitting in a too small room, with too many people, with too little knowledge and too much cause for a nervous breakdown in the Courthouse of Cologne, Germany.

I will sit there for five long hours every day for 6 days (Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday’s off) and try to write a judicial report on a made-up international legal scenario including a bunch of ludicrous characters named “a”, “b”, “c”, “d” and sometimes even “e”, “f”, “g” (etc.) for the most entering into business ventures or any sort of legal relationship no person with half a brain would ever even consider.

I’m not entirely sure, why solving a case, you will probably never come across in the real world would tell anybody anything about your legal ability, but that’s the rules of the game.

I’m too tired to tell you how much time I’ve spent studying for this and especially how much time I spent worrying about not passing it (Oh did I mention only roughly a fourth of the candidates pass the written and are accepted to the oral? Did I mention those aren’t random people of the street, but people who have for the most part spent 8 years studying and working and not sleeping?).

I’ve done a pretty good job at “working against the panic”. Just staying super occupied and busy – just like my little hamster “Flash”, who ran in that wheel like his life depended on it (well actually he spent more time sleeping than running, but I liked the image).

Today it caught up with me.

I cracked.

I didn’t just cry.

I was hysteric.

It was not pretty.

This is probably not going to be as funny for you as it is for me, but one of the measures of legitimate surpassing of self-defense is, if you did it out of “fear, frustration or confusion” (as opposed to “anger, rage, revenge”).

“Fear, frustration and confusion” is exactly how I would describe my mental state.

So (and now I finally come full circle), I realized I’m not up for reacting to your posts the way they deserve. I’m too – everything.

So although I won’t be gone, I might not always make myself know.

I’ll be there.


Lurking in the shadows.

[ “Release Me” – Oh Land ]

24 thoughts on “Longing For The Ides Of March – Or Why I’ll Only Be Lurking In The Shadows For A While

    • Thanks, Erik – thank you thank you thank you 🙂 I’ll be needing all of them (especially the sleep I guess – she said while checking the time and realizing it’s 22:36h – ah well that’s still early – right?)

  1. Good luck with everything – we will all be thinking of you and sending you good wishes and inspiration as magic mind bullet, I promise you these are very effective. All the other advice is good and I second it – eat, sleep,rest – maybe walk as well even if you feel tired. Take care. 🙂 😉 🙂 😉

    • Thank you so much Tricia 😀 I’m a bit better today for having slept a bit more last night – the walking part’s some good advice. Although it’s pretty freezing here, I think I could use some real earth under my feet to ground me 🙂

  2. Much luck to you. I echo everyone who is encouraging you to take care of yourself as best you can. And if you can’t, let others do it for you. I’ll be sending you good vibes and well wishes.

    • Thank you so much, Tana – I think the hardest part for me is trusting my self and not second-guessing my abilities. Like I said, this is not an exam for random people of the street and I’m not a random person of the street – Phil’s taking care of me best as he can – I#m a bit better today too 🙂 It’s only a couple of weeks, right? 🙂

    • Thank you, Paprika! 🙂 Yeah, Tricia below said something about going outside and walking even if you are tired and she might be on to something – I haven’t really been outside much in weeks. I think I might actually need “a breath of fresh air” literally! 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Ashley (I really hope, I spelled your name correctly!)! 😀

      I DO feel a lot better today – a goodnights sleep can work wonder. I think I was just really tired last night, which just upped my anxiety level by 1000 😉 Can’t wait for all of this to be over 🙂

    • Thanks E. – yeah, I think I needed to hear that “an exam result doesn’t define you.” – I forget that sometimes 😉

      Thanks for the (almost) luck wish 😉 I almost think you might be right and it did make me feel better 😉

    • Thank you, Karen – I really appreciate it. I’m not going to dissapear completely and I’ll still be trying to keep up with you all – it’s just, in case I can’t well don’t take it personally – I really still am here, just a bit quieter than usual, that’s all 😀

    • Thank you Worrywart – I will, if I don’t start dragging myself under the bridge before hand 😉 It was a rough day – Gotten better today – Maybe Erik was right and all I need is a couple of good nights rests 😀

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