That’s Him Trying

“Growing up happens in a heartbeat.

One day you’re in diapers; the next day you’re gone.

But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul.”

[ The Wonder Years ]


My father is far from perfect: More an uncle than a father at best, more a stranger than a family member at worst.

I wanted to write so many posts about him (and maybe I still will), but I’ve come to realize something important lately:

All the harsh words and all the too tight teddy-bear-hugs;

all the missed P.T.A.-conferences, hockey meets, my 18th and my 19th birthday;

him still giving me € 50,- “travel expenses” every time I go to see him;

all the leaving me at home at nights when I was young and bringing back random women to “cuddle” (as he put it);

all the disappointment I’ve seen in his eyes when he talks about the potential I had;

all the letting me wait for hours in his office because he forgot;

all the excuses and all the times there should have been excuse but there weren’t;

all of his lack of interest in anything I did during my teenage years;

all the awkward moments when he tried so hard to fill a mothers shoes (bra shopping being one of them);

all the times he let me down and all the times he picked me up;

all the fights and all the laughter;

all the living and struggling that went on between us and will go on until the day we leave this earth;

all of that and so much more is him trying.


Thank you, Daddy: Happy Fathers Day.


[ “That’s Me Trying” – William Shatner ]


My (Secret) Love Of Disney Songs

“You’re dead if you aim only for kids.

Adults are only kids grown up, anyway”

[ Walt Disney ]





Yes, I admit it: I’m one of those people. Those people who are constantly humming or singing to themselves. In public.

I guess it’s not as horrid for me as it is for people who happen to be out with me. I’ve experienced more than my share of elbow jabs to my ribs. And although I’m a snob when it comes to music, I have a never-dying love of Disney songs. I’m sure there’s a childhood trauma hidden somewhere in the abyss of my soul responsible for this bubble-gum-puppy-love, but in some respects I feel it’s a small price to pay. Well, at least for me it is.

So since I make everyone around me suffer this gooey obsession right along with me, why should you be exempt?! Let me introduce you to my favorite musical Disney heart breaks – Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Bo:

[ “Once Upon A Dream” – Sleeping Beauty ]

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[ “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” – Cinderella ]

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[ “Heigh-Ho” – Snow White ]

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[ “Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious” – Mary Poppins ]

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[ “I Want To Be Like You” – Jungle Book ]

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[ “Part Of Your World” – Ariel The Little Mermaid ]

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[ “Little Town” – Beauty And The Beast ]

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[ “Bells Of Notre Dame” – The Hunchback Of Notre Dame ]

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[ “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” – Lion King]

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And there’s so much more from where that came from.

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So be afraid.

Be very afraid.

The Playlist Continued Or Stuff That Should Be On Your MP3 Player On Mondays


“Those who dance are considered insane

by those who cannot hear the music.”

[ George Carlin ]




Some time back I posted an orchestrated visual of my typical saturday night.

Looking back I realised that was incredibly selfish of me.

Not only did I tease you by allowing you just a tiny glimpse at my incredible good taste in music, but I also failed to provide you with a non-danceable* soundtrack for the other days of the week. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what to say for myself (I’d like to be able to say that my lack of manners results from having been raised in a barn, but I firmly believe that starting an honest and sincere apology with a lie is never the best start.).

But, as so many other sinners that have wronged you throughout your life, I plan to set it right. And not only do I plan to do so, but I’ve decided to start my road of redemption immediately (No time like the present, ey?!).

So there you have it:

The Playlist Continued Or Stuff That Should Be On Your MP3 Player On Mondays

[ “Away Frm U”Oberhofer]

[ “Anything You Want Dear”Zeus ]

[ “Old Friend”Caveman ]

[ “It’s Only Life”The Shins (live version)]

[ “All Of Me”Tanlines ]

[ “Golden Eyelids”Lost In The Trees ]

[ “You Think I Don’t Know (But I Know)”Morningbell (live version)]

[ “Why Would You Not Want To Go There”Hoots and Hellmouth (live version) ]

[ “Jules”The Wedding Present ]

[ “The Girl From The DDR”The Wedding Present ]

[ “California”Delta Spirit ]

[ “Positive Vibes”Freshkills ]

[ “Stay Home Tonight”Cains and Abels ]

[ “Starling”This Many Boyfriends” ]

[ “Noah’s Ark”The Shutes ]

[ “The Day After Tomorrow”Autumn Comets ]

[ “Never Go Away”Drowner ]

[ “Anna” Freundeskreis (Soulfood Remix) ]

[ “Gimme More”Sia ]

[ “Kirsten’s Beach”The Pecadiloes ]

*Disclaimer: Some to all of the songs may be danceable per sé. It might be that the lack of dancibility stems from me generally dancing like a white boy.


What I Ment To Say

“Speak with integrity.

Say only what you mean.

Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

[ Miguel Ruiz ]

Lately, I’ve been very quiet.

That is except for the daily remembrance – maybe even intrusive in some way (but then you can always skip over whatever you don’t want to read here – that makes it a bit better than sitting across the table from someone I imagine – you can decide what you want to hear and let the rest drift on by you) – a daily glimpse into whatever bit of myself I was willing to define myself by; whatever bit of myself I wanted to remember the day by a year later.

I’m not sure what I am to make of the consequences that come with my silence. Life here is so different from life outside (quicker maybe, slower at times – a haze, a mist, a dream). I understand that. I do. But sometimes I’m not good at – processing.

This is not an apology and it’s not a plea either. It’s – I guess you could best refer to it as a “whisper”. I longed to test my voice in this space again.

Wondering if there would be an echo.

Wondering if there would be silence.

Wondering what I would feel.


– I know this is not what I envisioned my first real post to be (I have other drafts – many).

Maybe this would have been better as a letter (would you have preferred it to be one?).

I think what I ment to say is

“I miss you. I miss me with you. I miss – everything. Thank you.”

[ “Breathe me” – Sia ]