155 Of 365 (366) For 2012

[ All credit to carlos_ar2000, whose lovely picture may be found here. ]


“Making a record is a lot like surgery without an anesthetic.


You first have to cut yourself up the middle.


Then you have to rip out every single organ, every single part and lay them on a table.


You then need to examine the parts, and the reality of the situation hits you.


You find yourself saying things like

“I didn’t know that part was so ugly.”


“I better get a professional opinion about that.”


You go to bed hollow and then back into the operating room the next day

. . .facing every fear,

every disgusting thing you hate about yourself.


Then you pop it all back in, sew yourself shut and perform

. . . you perform like your life depended on it


—-and in those perfect moments you find beauty you never knew existed.


You find yourself and you friends all over again,

you find something to fight for,

something to love.


Something to show the world.”


[ Gerard Way ]

83 Of 365 (366) For 2012

[ All credit to Maria@through my eyes/busy – off and on, whose lovely picture may be found here. ]


“In the world of the dreamer there was solitude:

all the exaltations and joys came in the moment of preparation for living.

They took place in solitude.


But with action came anxiety,

and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream,


and with it came weariness,


and the flight into solitude again.


And then in solitude,

in the opium den of remembrance,

the possibility of pleasure again.”

[ Anaïs Nin ]

Balancing The Seasons

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” 

[ William Shakespeare ]

Today is the 11th of September 2011.

How much power a date has. It has become a code for a variety of emotions all across the world: 09.11.01

I have always been a strong believer in the power of words. I kept a journal from a very young age and for a long time I basically lived between the pages of my favorite books. There are books that I read over and over again and every time I finish them I feel like I am losing a good friend.

Up until this day I remember things said to me more clearly than images. The word (written or spoken) impacts me enormously and I feel that is the case for most people (if not all).

So being at loss for words is terrifying to me – it makes me feel helpless and scared.

There are not a lot of moments that I have not been able to explain, analyze and define.

09.11.01 – this series of numbers does this to me. It robes me of the ability to capture my feelings in words. Not being able to voice an emotion makes it larger than life. It makes it scary. So although I feel very inadequate in finding the right words I know I must try:

My heart aches for all the lives lost, for all the memories unbuilt, for all the words unsaid, for all kisses unkissed, for all the laughter unlaughed and the tears unwept.

I feel for the children (boys and girls) that lost a pa- rent to this tragedy more than for anybody else. I don’t want to diminish the grieving of a spouse, sibling or dear friend, but the thought of the mother- less and fatherless children literally breaks my heart and I know this is because in every bewildered look I see myself and I intertwine my grief with theirs.

I hope and pray that they will have guidance and understanding and will come out of this merely scarred and not broken.

Society has to realize that this trauma is real, it is strong and it impacts our future generation as a whole.

Fortunately I feel that there has been a lot of progress made in this area when it comes to recognising and understanding the impact it has on souls of all ages, but especially on the young ones.

In the words of Sandy Dahl, wife of Jason Dahl Pilot of Flight 93:
“If we learn nothing else from this tragedy, we learn that life is short and there is no time for hate.”

Contrarily to the old belief that “time heals all wounds”, I have come to the understanding, that time does not heal anything that has wounded us so deeply as the loss of a parent. Time may only help to stretch out the seasons of grieving and mourning and happiness and laughter.

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”

                                                                [ Ecclesiastes 3:1 ]

As I truly belief, that a trauma of such intensity can never be diminished or healed or trust aside in any other way, all that we can truly hope for is a balance of those season.

So in closing I would say I pray for long seasonal summers for those children filled with happiness, joy and especially a sense of belonging and very short winters and during those winters I hope they have someone by their side to provide them with a warm blanket and a hot cup of cocoa.